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Tommy Cooper; 25 of Tommy's greatest
Topic Started: Friday, 11. October 2013, 17:44 (269 Views)
Lowflyer
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108 Charlie Tango 036

Dug out of todays Telegraph "Just like that"

Whisky
1 • I'm on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three days!


Fortune Teller
2 • I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, 'Your future looks pretty black.' I said, 'Are you kidding? I've still got my gloves on!


Doctor
3 • I said to the doctor, 'It hurts when I do this' [raises arm]. He said, 'Well, don't do it.'


Alarm clock
4 • A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, 'Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.' He said, 'An alarm clock? Does it bother him?' She said: 'It doesn't bother him, but it bothers me.' He said, 'Why?' She said: 'Well, every time I go to wind it up, he bites my finger.'


Soup
5 • I said to the chef, 'Why have you got your hand in the alphabet soup?' He said, 'I'm groping for words!'


Doctor (2)
6 • My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!


Dreams
7 • Last night I dreamt I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone.


Driver
8 • A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians.'


Gambling
9 • Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.


Music
10 • I took saxophone lessons for six months until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?


Betting
11 • You know what a racehorse is . . . an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time


Jester
12 • What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody's fool!


Kangaroo
13 • What does a kangaroo eat for breakfast? Pouched eggs


Marriage
14 • My wife said 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet'. I said, 'chocolate fudge'.


Advice
15 • Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you.


Pork chops
16 • I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'


Marriage (2)
17 • I said to my wife, 'I can't eat this beef stew.' She said, 'Shut up! It's custard pie!'


Undertakers
18 • Never trust an undertaker. He'll always let you down


Doctor (3)
19 • I said to the doctor, 'Can you give me something for my liver?' He gave me a pound of onions.


Sleep
20 • I sleep like a baby . . I wake up screaming every morning around 3am.


Put-down
21 • There's no end to his talent – and no beginning either.


Ballet
22 • I was a dancer once in Swan Lake. I fell in.


Doctor (4)
23 • I went to see my doctor and he said 'I want you to lie down on the couch.' I said, 'What for?' He said, 'I want to sweep up.'


Waiter
24 • I told the waiter, bring me a chicken. So he brought me a chicken. 'Just a minute,' I said, 'It's only got one leg. 'It's been in a fight.' I said, 'Well, bring me the winner.'


Cannibals
25 • Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'
108CT036
"Some People are so Poor, all they have is Money!"
UNIQUE CHARLIE TANGO UK FM CONTACTS - 74 Stations Worldwide
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Mr Jingles
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26 Charlie Tango 980

Nice one matey, love Tommy seen him live in the late 70's..came out jaws aching sides hurting, never be another like him, no smut no effin and jeffin..just funny, sadly missed. Ronnie.
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CorBlimeyGuvnar
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Number 3, makes me wee every time.



26CT097
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Scruff
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26 Charlie Tango 839

Number 15 is my favourite.
Never saw him live but wish I had.
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Lowflyer
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108 Charlie Tango 036

I had a right good chuckle when i found em this evening. #10 ended me... Closest act there has been that produces funny one liners could be Stewart Francis maybe.... Tommy boy is certainly a very very hard act to follow.
108CT036
"Some People are so Poor, all they have is Money!"
UNIQUE CHARLIE TANGO UK FM CONTACTS - 74 Stations Worldwide
-----> LIVE BROADCAST ON USTREAM <-----
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